Painful Memories

I woke up feeling 'GREAT'. Spring was around the corner again! My son will be seven years old in a few weeks. My God! Seven! Where did the years fly to? Sal started first grade this past Fall. I intended to go to the first Parent-Teachers night, but my Mom never told me when it was, so I got very upset again with her. Since that really big fight we had last year, I'd decided not to push my points with her anymore. I feared Sal got the repercussions, when no one was around to see. He had gotten a lot quieter as time past, I feared for what it might be. I feared to find out. So, like a coward, I backed down & backed out, when our 'talks' got a little heated.
I was dressing to go get Sal. He needed clothes, & I wanted to find out what he wanted for his birthday, plus ask him about his birthday party.
I no longer had the key to Moms apartment. as I approached the building door, someone was leaving the building, I was able to walk in. As I approached the apartment door, I noticed that it was silent on the other side. Ignoring my thoughts, I knocked. Silence. I knocked again, "Mom," I called through the door. Silent. "Mom," I called out louder, still knocking on the door.
"Mom, Sal, It's me," It was getting very warm in the hallway. Beads of perspiration was forming on my forehead & neck. "Mom, answer the door,Please?" I knew my voice was loud, My heart was starting to beat faster. "Please God," I silently prayed, "Please make her answer this dammed door." Memories came rushing through my head. A little girl, hands cupped over her mouth so no one could hear her crying. Visions that I didn't want to remember.
"Mom," almost a whisper, "Mom, please let me in."
I didn't hear the building door open, nor did I hear my name, until I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"CeCe,"
Startled, I looked to my right. There stood Andrew, with a puzzled look on his face. I could smell Scotch on his breath.
"CeCe, why are you just standing there?"
I hated this man. The man that my Mom lived with, worshipped, beg, borrowed & stole for. This man, that I used to refer to as my 'Dad'.
"Mommies not answering. She knew I was coming." I was almost in tears, struggling to hold my composure, wanting to scream.
Andrew unlocked the apartment door, & I followed him in. There, sitting on the couch was my Mother, eyes squinting, lips held tight. On the chair in that room, sat my son, hands clasped tightly on his little lap, eyes wide, full of fear.
When Sal saw me, he attempted to get off of the chair to come to me. Mom glanced over at him, & my son stopped, slid back into the chair. I saw his little mouth quiver, afraid to cry. I ran to him, scooped him into my arms.
"It's o'kay now Sal, it's o'kay." I held him as tight as I could, his small frame pushing closer to me.
"Why didn't you answer the door, Mom?"
"I don't want you coming here every week."
She got off of the couch & walked into the kitchen where Andrew sat.
"I told you two days ago, I was coming today. I'm taking Sal shopping, & looking for his birthday party stuff. Did you send out the invites to his friends at school?"
"He is NOT having a birthday party!"
"What?" Andrew looked at her, shock written all over his face,"What are you talking about, Marie?"
"Just what I said," She raised her nose to the ceiling, "I want an end to this. I don't want you here! Do you understand me?" She screamed at me, her eyes ablaze.
With Sal still in my arms, I walked towards the door. My sons little legs were wrapped around my waste tightly, his grip on my neck getting tighter with every step that I took.
I was right at the frame of the doorway to the hall, when suddenly, there was a pinching pain in my shoulder. It took my breath away for a second. Sal was openly crying now. I heard Andrew say something. I kept walking, the stinging getting worse with every breath.
As I reached for the outside door, I saw Andrew grab me by the wrist.
"You can't go out there," he was saying. My back felt wet, but I knew that it wasn't sweat. "Come on, come on," he was pulling me back into the apartment.
As we got to the apartment door, she came towards me, hands extended. As I turned away, to protect Sal from being removed from my arm, I felt her push the knife deeper into my shoulder. A scream escaped my throat as I fell to my knees. God, I thought to myself, protect my son!

Sunny's New Style

Christmas came & went, 1967 was three days away. Vidal has now given me full responsibility of the salon. He had casually mentioned wanting to open another salon in Queens, over the past few months, & now he has started to look for good property seriously.
I started to give Brad more responsibilities, since my clientele was so strong, especially for my hair coloring methods.
My relationship with my 'Mom', was still strained, but for my son, we called a truce. If we don't talk to each other, then we can't fight. I was allowed to take my son on shopping trips & outings again, thankfully. We always had such fun together, but, going home, the both of us would fall silent. I prayed that I would soon be in law school, with the promise of having my son live with me.
Josef & Agness were shivering from the cold, watching me try to open the salon doors. It was so cold this morning in the city, with the wind stinging your face, making your eyes tear. The lock was frozen, & the key was getting jammed.
"Give me that", Josef said gruffly, "I'm freezing to death, & your piddling with this!"
"Good, you do it", as I stood back from the door.
"Now, now, children, play nice. Just get us in the damn store!" Agnes' face was so red from the wind & cold.
Finally, the key turned in the lock. We rushed into the warmth of the salon, Josef went to the back to turn the lights on, the music started playing in the back ground. Agnes put a pot of coffee on, as I went to the safe to get the register cash. I was entering information into the ledger, when a burst of cold air swept across my face. I looked up, & there was Sunny, with that sideways grin on his face.
"Good Morning Sunny," I tried to sound respectful, but indifferent.
I could see Josef walking briskly towards the desk.
"Hey, how are you man?" Josef placed himself cleverly between Sunny & me.
"Good, good," replied Sunny, "I just wanted to speak with CeCe a minute."
Josef looked at me, then walked over to his station, getting it set up for the day, carefully me & Sunny though the mirror.
"Is something wrong with your hair?" It looked fine to me, but I really didn't care.
"The cuts good, He said, brushing it with his fingers. " Did you open the gift?"
"Oh, yes," I got up & walked over to my station, removed the box from my drawer quickly & walked back to where Sunny was standing, holding the box out to him.
His eyes looked at the box & back to me, with a puzzled look on his face.
"What's this?"
"Sunny, I can't accept such a expensive gift!," Please God, I thought to myself, let this go smoothly.
"Yes you can!" His tone was indigent, & demanding.
"Sunny", I lite a cigarette, & took a sip of coffee that Agnes brought over to me, "The gesture is very nice, but, I can't accept a gift of that magnitude from a client. I appreciate your generosity, but, you must take it back."
"NO!", His eyes were ablaze. I almost got frightened for a moment, & was relieved to see Vidal walk thru the doors.
"Good morning everyone" Vidal yelled out, as he hurried to remove his coat in the back.
"You can't do this to me, Cece," His tone was full of anger. "I searched high & low for this to give you. Your keeping it!"
Vidal was now sitting in my station chair holding the cup of coffee that Agnes prepared for him, just watching Sunny & me.
"No, Sunny." I placed the box on the desk in front of Sunny. "I cannot accept it & I won't."
This man raised fear in me now. I was not going to be forced to do anything, by any man, that I didn't want to do anymore. I disliked feeling fear, especially, when it concerned a man. Josef & Agnes became silent. Vidal watched closely.
"Sunny," I took a deep breath & swallowed hard, "I'm sorry to upset you, but, I think that maybe you should go somewhere else for your haircuts from now on."
I hoped that I sounded strong. I hoped that Vidal would support my decision.
"Right, yes, I will go somewhere else! See you around, CeCe!" He turned, pulled the door open & left the salon, leaving the box on the desk.
"Josef. Take this out to him, please." I motioned to the box. Josef ran out the door, stopped Sunny a few doors down, retuning with the box in hand.
"Said he never takes back anything he gives or says." With a shrug of his shoulders, Josef placed the box on my station. Our clients were starting to come thru the doors. Another day, another dollar.

Sparkling Style

The snow was falling like a pure white blanket. I didn't like the snow, but I loved to watch it come down from the sky, and cover the ground & trees, as if the heavens were purifying the land. It made everything look so clean, & the air had a crisp, clean fragrance.
Christmas was two weeks away. I was busier with my life than I had ever been. Brad, I recruited as my 'personal' assistant in the salon. Vidal had left for London with his family for Thanksgiving, to be returning the end of this week. Michele was in love again. Josef & Brad had a thing going on between them. Charles was flirting with anything in a skirt, as usual.
My visits to see my son were still very strained. There was no avoiding an argument with my 'Mother', & Andrew couldn't or wouldn't support my side at all. Sal seemed to be getting more quiet & withdrawn when I was with him. It disturbed me terribly, but, I didn't know what to do about it. So, I did nothing, ignoring her remarks about how terrible I was, refusing to feed into her passion to force an argument. I wasn't going to let her ruin my sons Christmas, so allowing her to rant & rave, keep some peace.
I was active in the anti-was movement now. Parents & young men called almost daily to find out about leaving this country. Mothers & fathers begging me to save their sons was heartbreaking. I felt good trying to help them, & if everyone really prayed for me, like they said they were, well then, I was a very blessed young woman.
Sunny was sitting in my chair, not saying very much as I cut his hair. His eyes almost never left my face & this disturbed me. I didn't really like this man, & I was sure that he suspected that, but, he continued to flirt with me, & always asked me out after every haircut.
"Want to go for dinner tonight?" He had a huge smile on his face as he paid me for the haircut.
"Sunny," I let out a deep sigh, "The answer is NO!" He was irritating me, & I just didn't care if he never came back to the salon.
"Well, Okay." He chuckled, "See you next month."
He turned to leave, & then stopped.
"Oh, I almost forgot." He removed a box, gift wrapped with a bow & card on it from his coat pocket. "Just a little token for being my favorite hairdresser." Handing the box to me.
"Thank you." Taking the gift from him. He finally left the salon.
Clients often gave us presents or envelopes with money for the Christmas holiday, so I didn't think anything of it.
I walked over to my station, placed it in the drawer & lite a cigarette.
"You going to open it?" Josef had that mischievous grin on his face.
"Not right now," My next client was in my chair.
"Maybe it's diamonds, CeCe!" Michele got a kick out of Sunny's determination. She thought that it was romantic.
" I doubt it very much. Don't you guys have anything to do?"
"Oh, CeCe is getting pissy" Brad chirped in, stroking his raised eyebrow with his pinky.
We all burst into laughter, even my client. It was impossible to stay annoyed about anything in this place. The guys always had something funny to say or do, whenever a stressful situation happened. I was so glad to be working with is group of people. We always rallied around each other with support & genuine care.
At the end of the day, I was packing the gifts that I received from my clients that day, when Michele picked up the box that Sunny gave me.
"You going to open it?" Michele shook the box, holding it to her ear.
"Oh, o'kay, give me the thing!"
I ripped the ribbon & the paper off, quickly opening the box. Michele & I both gasped at the contents.
"Oh my God," she exclaimed. I held my breath.
Josef jumped out of his chair, & before I knew it, everyone was standing around me. I lifted the bracelet out of the box very gently. It was the most stunning diamond bracelet I had ever seem. I couldn't believe my eyes.
"Man, you have to go out with him now, CeCe." Agnes said.
"Yes, & I know what your going to have to do for him on that date!" chimed in Brad, with that queenie, mischievous smile on his face.
I was speechless. Michele but her arm around my shoulder. "Well kid, Your going to have to do something now about this guy!"
"I'm returning it to him. And asking him not to come to the salon anymore!"
"What? Are you crazy?" Michele was floored.
"Maybe, it's not real diamonds." added Agnes
"That's right." Joseph responded taking the bracelet from my hand, holding it up to the lights. "In that case, you just thank him for it next month, & forget about it. Take it to the jeweler up the block tomorrow & let him tell you."
"Good idea. I'll do that in the morning."

A Hairsylist's Nightmare

Halloween was almost upon us. I was on my way to my moms apartment to pick up Sal & take him to buy a costume. This is his first Trick or Treating & I was excited about taking him. I still had the key to her apartment, so I just let myself in. As I opened the door, I watched as my mom kicked Sal in his back. The poor boy was curled up on the floor, crying out, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry mommy."
"What the hell?" I screamed, pushing her away from him & picking him up into my arms. "What are you doing to him?"
"He disobeyed me!" her face was blood red, & spit shot from her mouth as she spoke. "He's a damn brat. He has to learn that when I say something, he MUST do it!"
My son was holding onto my neck, trembling, while his tears were dripping down my neck. I thought that I was going to be nauseous. I tightened my hold on Sal, & rocked him in my arms.
"Let me tell you something," I wanted to smack that look on her face right off. "You don't kick him. you don't hit him. You don't ever do anything to Sal like that again!"
"Who do you think your talking to?" Her voice was defiant & loud. Sal hugged my neck tighter. "That's my son. As far as everyone knows around here, he's my kid. I take care of him. I stood up nights when he was a baby, walking him, washing diapers, taking care of him."
"Mom, that has nothing to do with it. I couldn't live here anymore with you & daddy. You know why. If I would have stayed here, something awful would have happened."
"Aach," she waved her hand in the air to brush off what I just said, "That's all a lie. I don't believe anything that you said. I know none of that stuff is true. Andrew loves me. Besides, your the one that left the baby with me. That proves to everyone that you don't want him. You live in the kitchen of hell, hanging out with those people, doing God knows what everyday. Your not a mother. You don't know what sacrifice is! You've never wanted that boy. I need him! Now, put 'My' son down & leave this house."
" You know, your a bitter old woman, full of meanness & hatred. I'm taking Sal shopping for his Halloween costume." I was putting Sal down from my arms. He had stopped crying, & I was brushing his hair back from his face.
"You will do no such thing!", she pulled Sal by the arm over to her side. My son started to cry again, & I could see the fear in my little boys eyes.
"What are you doing mom?" The swiftness of her action took me by surprise. "I told you yesterday that I was taking him shopping today."
"I don't want you with him. You won't take him out or shopping any more unless I'm with you, understood?" Her face was alarming. Her eyes showed a hatred that I hadn't seen in many years, but was all too familiar with.
"Mom, I'm taking my son out today." my voice was calm, but my nerves were screaming.
"No!" she held her body straight up, shoulders back, in full defiance. "Now, get out of my home. Get out & don't degrade my home again."
I walked toward Sal & she pulled him behind her body. Her eyes were cold.
"Let me say good bye."
"You can say it from there!"
"I want to kiss him good bye mom? Let me kiss my son, please" Now I started to cry.
"I told you, he is My son. you abandoned him & that's what I'm telling the whole family. No! You cannot kiss him or anything anymore. Out, get out!
Sal was crying again, watching me cry. I wanted to strike out. I wanted to grab my baby. I wanted to scream. I turned around to the door, turned back to my son, threw him a kiss as he quietly whimpered & made a little kiss face, & pulled the door closed, knowing that I had to leave today. I had to go now! My heart was beating so fast in my chest. I was clutching my fists. I have to get back home quickly. If I stayed another minute, I'll be sorry for the rest of my life. I waved down a taxi, sat back in the seat, & let the tears come.

Shearing Into Isolation

All of us were doing really well at the salon. People were calling from all over to get their haircuts, colors etc. by a Vidal Sassoon stylist. We have become the 'Best of the Best', in the beauty industry, & all of us became famous in our own right. I loved to color hair. The challenge of combining two or three colors to emphasize the shape & movement in the haircut was exciting to me. We believed that your hair was your crowning glory, so every cut should shine. And shine they did!

I, though, was very unhappy. Mom was making it more & more difficult to see Sal. She even suggested that I mail her the checks every week, because she was too busy for me to waste her time to get Sal. We argued every time I went to the house. It was always that Sal was sick, had a cold, they were going out, I took him out too late. Something was always preventing me from seeing my son.

Plus I had almost no personal life. I had stopped dating since the last man told me he was married, after seeing him for three months.

"What are you doing tonight?" Josef asked as he was cleaning up his station.

"Nothing," I smiled over at him. "I'll just do some laundry, I guess. Watch some television."

"Come out with me, Aaron, & Michele."

"Yes, CeCe," Michele added, "It'll be good, & if your with us, Aaron & Josef can't call me a 'fag-hag'."

"Well," Aaron waved his hand in the air, placing one hand on his hip,"Aren't you, girl?"

Michele had started hanging out with Josef & Aaron a lot, since she broke up with her boyfriend. She was tired of being used & then dumped on, she told us one day. I agreed with her. It seemed the 'sexual revolution' opened the door for every married man to go on the prowl!

All of us laughed together at Aaron's swishing. He was such a 'queen', & he fit into the mixture so well, we all loved him.

"Oh, I don't know," I was very tired from the days business, but I knew that I would have a great time with them. "Where are you going tonight?"

"To Ammies." Josef chirped in, "Where else is there a place with sooo many gorgeous guys?"

Ammies was a gay club in downtown Manhattan. It was an old warehouse remodeled inside, beautiful lights & beautiful people. On Saturday nights, the club was open to gays & straights. The music was terrific, & they usually had a live drag show. Aaron's boyfriend worked one of the six bars, so a lot of our drinks were free.

"Your coming tonight," Michele ordered, "I will pick you up at 10 o'clock & that's final!"

Cuts That Hurt

It was Spring again! I always loved the Spring Season, & this was my first Spring in Manhattan. It was different here for some reason. Everyone had a bounce to their step. Central Park was beautiful, with the full trees & blooming bushes , tulips, & roses, lilies & irises. The air in Central Park was fresh & fragrant. Young lovers strolling hand & hand, or lying on a blanket under a tree, basking in the warm sun with a soft cool breeze gently kissing their hair. Squirrels were dancing up & down the trees & thick green grass, while thousands of birds flew over head, singing their mating songs.
I strolled over to the huge pond in the center of the park. It was full of children & parents racing remote control boats. It was fun to watch as everyone maneuvered their boats around each other & raced for the finish line. There weren't prizes to be won, just the gratification of sailing that boat. I watched them as the parents did high fives with their children. I sat at the edge of the pond, watching the excitement, feeling very unconnected with my surroundings. My mom & I had a huge fight over Sal this morning. I left in a huff, wanting to strangle her. Nothing I ever do is right to her. Today it was that I'm wearing too much make-up, my hair is too short, & "What are those blond streaks? Your skirt is up to your panties! You always look like a whore, just like your real Mother!"
So, like the idiot I am, I argued back. It got pretty loud & intense for awhile. I've always hated her, but today I REALLY hated her. But more than that, I hated myself. She knew that every Sunday & Monday, I would take Sal out, & we would do things together. I had planed to bring him to Central Park today, & let him play with one of these boats. You rented them by the hour, & I loved the excitement when his boat would speed to the other end of the pond.
But today she had to start a fight! I me with my short temper argued right back, until she told me to get out of her house. She wouldn't even let me take Sal for a few hours. So I stormed out of there as quickly as I could, with tears rolling down my cheeks, cursing her with every step of the way. Walking towards the train station, I realized that I forgot to kiss Sal good-bye. My heart broke. He had started to cry as our voices started to pitch, & the words got angrier at each other. I prayed that she didn't take her anger out on my son when no one was present.
Well, here I am, alone at Central Park. Regretting my temper & frustration with that woman. Regretting not being able to be with my baby boy. I adored him! Sal, for only four years old, was sweet & gentle. Smart & so handsome. He is the one good thing I've done so far in my life. But hey, I'm only twenty!

Quick Cuts: on the run & lonely

My world was in constant high gear! I was always booked solid with clients, (a good thing for money), dealing with the stylist, and now with two more gay stylists, it seemed to be PMS on a daily basis. Agnes adjusted well to having an assistant, teaching Judy our procedures. Charles, Michele, Micheal, the new 'straight' stylist,clicked together immediately. Josef, Aaron, & Brad, enjoyed snickering, calling each other 'girly' names & generally putting on a 'drag' show for everyone. I wasn't quite sure when their catty remarks to each other weren't meant to be funny, but, they always had us laughing. Plus the clients loved when Josef would be sarcastic to Michele. It was a good group & our days went by quickly.
I'm now taking Mondays off & it was great! After working six days a week for three years, to be able to have Sunday & Monday off, was like playing hooky from school! Plus, it gave me enough time to see my son. He was growing so rapidly & getting so smart. He is the joy of my life! I loved playing with him & taking him out to the park.It seemed like I had to buy him new clothes every month, he was growing so fast. I was happy that he got my black curly hair & his dads green eyes. Everyone said that he looked like me, which filled my heart with pride, but with his dads long black eye lashes & green piercing eyes, I could see a great deal of his father. That was fine with me. His father was a good looking man, even though he is a turd! I would make sure 'my' son would be a strong, dependable man! In the mean time, I wanted for him to stay a little boy for as long as possible.
I didn't have much of a social life. Michele & I got together some wee=ends. She stopped seeing the married man right after the New Year. I was between boyfriends. The ones that were good looking were married or gay! A few of my clients have asked me to dinner, but I have a strict rule of not dating clients. Michele had dated a few in the past, and found out that when she stopped dating them, she also lost a client. She finally had to agree with me that being flirty got a steady flow of big tips.
I was still saving money for school. I lived entirely on my tips & was banking my entire check. It was adding up nicely. I estimated I'll be able to go to Law School in two to three years. It felt so far away yet. I was thankful that I was working for Vidal. He paid me very well, I lived in a nice apartment. Josef helped me paint & purchase furniture.
I was 'growing-up'! I was independent, pretty, financially comfortable & intelligent! I was also extremely Lonely!!!

A Cut Above - Who is this 'Exquisite Man'?

Salvatore, my son, will be 2 years old next week. I can't believe it's two years already! I don't see him as much as I would like, since he lives with my Mom & step-dad. My Mom believes that his life would be better living with her, since 'unwed mothers' don't have a chance to "meet a man to marry you" with a baby hanging on your skirt. I don't know how true that is, but, I'm not looking to be married yet. I have to finish law school first, so I'm letting things ride right now. I'll call her later to find out what Sal wants for his birthday.

I see that I have Mrs. Bruno for my first client today. God help me with this witch! I don't think that there is a soul that she likes or doesn't talk badly about. Well, here goes the smile & 'glad to see you', BS.

AnneMarie is strutting around like she got lucky or something last night. She hasn't complained about anything going on in the shop today, (did she get lucky?), but, she is running our shampoo girl Terrys' butt off, making sure everything is clean & in it's place. It's Wednesday, our slowest day of the week. Only two beauticians, Sofia & myself. Finally got 'Ol Mrs. Bruno under the hair dryer. Forty minutes of relief before I hear the rest of her 'poor son & that 'terrible wife' of his. What she doesn't know is that her 'poor son', owes the neighborhood bookie around $5,000.00 in bad horse bets, & his 'terrible wife' may be a young widow soon!

I can't believe the way AnneMarie perked up when this man, (very distinguished looking), walked into the shop. I think that she was actually flirting with him! They hugged each other & laughed about something as his eyes scanned around the shop. Sofia dropped rollers all over the floor, while I kept cutting my ladies hair. His eyes settled on me for just a moment & then on Sofia. AnneMarie introduced this stranger as her 'old friend Vidal',then quickly scooted him into the employees lounge in the back. Sofia looked over to me with raised eye brows & a grin, I returned the grin with a shrug of my shoulders. It was already 3pm, & I was glad that we closed in less than 3 hours.

Vidal! What kind of name was that? Being in a mostly Italian area of Brooklyn, most of the men here are called Johnny, Paulie, or Joey. The women are Maria, Angie or Theresa. I got lucky with Constance Caroline, & everyone cut that down to CeCe. But Vidal, that's really different. He also has some kind of accent, I think. I'm curious, but, I'm more interested in getting out of this shop today. Only five clients & three dollars in tips, plus a headache from Mrs. Bruno.